Shut it Down: Week Six

It's straight up nuts considering how life continues on while the world seems to be paused. Some good friends of our had their second kid the middle of last week; my cousin's dad died a couple days later from cancer. We're hiding out in and around our homes and trying to dodge an "invisible enemy." Meanwhile Saint Anne the Wife and I are on the tail-end of getting Kid v2 potty trained. There was a bit of a break last week with Kid v1's remote learning, but they're back at it starting today and seemingly with a vengeance. Curious as to how a student teacher will do during all this nonsense? Looks like E-town's classroom is about to find out. By all means, lets add more classroom Zoom calls to our 7-year-old's day considering how well the other ones are going.

I'll say for sure shooting has helped keep me sane through this nonsense. I got antsy about mid-week and got out to shoot outside my neighborhood. I'd been out the week before for a client project, but went out this time with my RED looking for whatever I could find. I started out taking a car from our place to Dumbo, then walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and finally ended up at Washington Square Park. There's more people getting out and doing the things they need to do. There's lines outside grocery stores (just like in my part of Brooklyn). Plenty of people wearing masks (again, like where I live). Oh, and the parks are pretty full (again, like my hood). More than anything I realized I didn't need to be out to "capture the look of an empty city." I ended up with a few shots I'm proud of, but then a whole load I'll not remember. Some of the footage is up on Filmsupply if you're up to check it out.

All in all I've got nothing really new to share. Looks like we in it for the long haul and I hope at some point we'll hit our stride. In the meantime, here's a few other favorites from the last few days:

Shut it Down: Week Five

I'm fairly certain that today is Monday. The calendar says it's April 13, 2020, which is a Monday, but I'm wearing my Saturday pants and I gave Clara the Dog a bath already this morning which normally happens on the weekend. I do remember watching Saturday Night Live (from Home) yesterday at sometime, so I'm calling it the weekend. It's settled. Today is Weekend.

Again, thank goodness we're safe and healthy here in the American epicenter of this madness. I feel bad for asking and/or wanting anything else. That being said, we're just like the VAST majority of the world in that we're cooped up inside, get occasional jaunts to the park, and have what seems like an endless loop of time. Oh, and it's back to sorta parka season?

Our parents have been fantastic about sending us care packages through all this. This week Anne's mom sent us a few small 100 piece puzzles and by the third one we stopped looking at the box to see what we were supposed to be doing; the forth we did without using the reference. I plan to attempt at least one of them with the cardboard side up.

We've got the time on our hands.

Still rockin' the sourdough loafs a couple times a week and finally found rye flour at our Whole Foods this week. I got out the watercolors and know myself enough to not share the results with the world.

Side note: I'm trying my best at this absolutely phoned in post. My mind has mushed out, the walls are past closing in, and I'm barely proof-reading this nonsense. Thank goodness for ducking auto-correct cleaning up my mess. I mean seriously: watercolors and rye flour?

There was a bit of a highlight a few sleeps and day-/nighttime differences ago. I had a last minute job come in from an agency I've shot with here in New York. They had a client looking for footage of the Empire State Building with the top lit up in red to honor the first responders. They were needed the footage shot and delivered that night. The agency reached out, we settled on a rate, and soon after I was on a zoom call with people on the east and west coasts getting direction on what they wanted. With the additional protection via raincoat, mask, and rubber gloves I left my corner of Brooklyn for the first time since the lockdown. I'd not been in Manhattan since February. SUPER eerie seeing the lack of traffic while shuttling around via Lyft (who still charged congestion fees).

Shut it Down: Week Four

Supposedly this is to be a hard week as the coronavirus peaks here in NYC. I've tried to calm myself, Saint Anne the Wife, and our parents back in Oklahoma City by citing a New York Times article listing the number of confirmed cases here in the city by zip code and how relatively far down the list our neighborhood is. Hearing and reading about the White House's best case scenario of 100,000+ people dying here in the US thanks to this nonsense is absolutely something else.

The actual danger still seems so far away from the struggles and successes day in and day out in our 700 sq foot apartment and regular walks to and from the park. At the moment I don't personally know of anyone who's been confirmed, but I do keep up with the news and know the wolf isn't too far from our door.

I'd read someone post about being careful the music you end up listening to a lot during this time and how it'll forever be associated with what's happening. I've always been able to look back through my notebooks and remember what different times were like through the journal entries and calendar notes. Now my current notebook has an entry from this past week partly smeared thanks to the Isopropyl alcohol I use as a disinfectant each day. I'll just add it to the coffee stains and spilled water from the years seeing as how I've already got those. Multiple times this week I dreamed about being in different group settings. Couldn't tell you what was happening, but I just remember being around people other than my wife and kids.

Living in New York City you get used to being physically closer to complete strangers than you probably should be, but now it's hard not to think that everyone outside your immediate circle – wife & kids for me – has or could have something that could potentially kill you and/or someone you love. It's an odd dance to try and maintain the social distancing guidelines with others on these narrow sidewalks and grocery store asiles. Oh, and have you tried to keep a mask on a two year old?

I'm still getting used to wearing a mask myself when I'm outside. It's gotten easier now that so many other people are wearing them. It does suck though that my sunglasses and the glasses I wear when I'm not wearing my contacts fog up every time I breathe. Last night I was out walking our dog and in trying to be optimistic through all this, I nerded out about my fogged up glasses acting like a super strong Smoque filter. I literally took a few extra moments just to stare into the streetlights and pay attention to how they rainbowed out.

My hands are more dry and cracked than they've ever been thanks to all the hand washing and disinfecting I've done to try and separate from this invisible enemy, but still in this raw state they seem to be getting tougher and almost used to it. The weather has gotten pretty nice (light jacket vs. parka season) and we still make it out to the park at least once a day when it's not raining. The cherry blossoms have been in full swing the last few days and there's a ton of Spring color showing up.

I'd love to get into "how this situation is making us stronger" and be optimistic and motivating, but honestly it's been a tough few weeks already and I'm not looking forward to a "harder" one. Surely it's fine and healthy to recognize when things suck for at least a moment or two. The dust always settles and soon enough we'll get back to something we recognize.

Shut it Down: Week Three

I'm a few days into wearing a mask outside and I’ve learned a few things: I don’t like it; it’s keeping me from touching my face as much as I normally would; it’s probably the new normal for a while. That and basically sherpa-ing the Brooklyn wilderness now that we've drastically cut back on trips to the store and Amazon deliveries take much longer than they used to.

Keep in mind too I’m typing a good portion of this post out on my iPhone through rubber gloves while six feet from the closest person in line waiting to get into the Park Slope Whole Foods.

So, what happened this past week...

FREAKIN' KUDOS to Dr. David Price for doing this video and bring some much needed peace and calm to those of us losing our minds during this unusual time (just wish it wasn't being a little punk and not letting me embed it in this post). Absolutely worth a view.

Donald Glover released a new album, so that was fun.

"Surely you've seen Tiger King in its entirety by now" says the kid from Oklahoma who's subtly hinting at the fact his name is in the credits under the "Additional Camera" section :)

I still believe our two house fires are out to murder Saint Anne the Wife and me. That being said, I nearly broke down in tears the other day because of all this nonsense. If you've followed along at all you know I typically whine about it being hard to "adult." Add to that being cooped up with two small children in an even smaller apartment and you'll eventually find me in a sludgy puddle under my desk, but thank GOD I'm stuck in here with Saint Anne the Wife who is a much better person than I am and seems to have this "responsible adult" thing down. I've resorted to taking pictures of flowers and trees because they aren't constantly yelling and you don't have to ask them to follow directions the first time. Oh, and I've gotten super obsessed about all the discarded rubber gloves, Clorox wipes, and medical masks in the streets and sidewalks these past few weeks.

It's TERRIFYING to think you've put your family at undue risk by both being in NYC in the first place and choosing to stick around when we could've left. We've got friends with and without young kids who are still here and sticking it out and others who left town. We've also got friends who are SUPER preggers and due to deliver in the next few weeks.

At Target today I was in the baby getting kiddo shampoo and absolutely stoked to know our two drunk octopi aren't needing formula and all the other newborn essentials during this hot mess. Our little one was still going through baby food pouches when we moved here and that had us going to the store ALL. THE. FREAKING. TIME.

On the topic of the little one, God bless Saint Anne the Wife for leading the charge in getting him through potty training at the moment. I've only taken a couple direct hits (to the face no less), but there she is, on the front lines of teaching a little boy to do his nonsense in/on a child sized plastic toilet that just sits there next to our normal person toilet, taunting me and testing my self-control.

"I'm an adult. I will not try and use it myself."

Good God get me out of this tiny apartment.

Shut it Down: Week Two

The reality of this being week two of basically a shutdown is starting to settle in. It's Monday morning, I'm writing at my desk, and Saint Anne the Wife is trying to decipher our first grader's remote learning assignments while also trying to occupy our two-year-old with neon colored pipe cleaners and a stainless steel colander. Did I mention too that we're potty training the younger of our boys at the moment?

We're basically going bonkers being cooped with our two drunk octopi. We're decent-to-good parents, but I for one would rather just tape our children to the floor; I've got plenty of gaffe tape. Thank God they go to bed before we do. That and it's been helpful to have plenty of wine and whisky on hand.

How any parent is expected to be productively working from home and also essentially homeschooling their young children is insane.

So, dear reader, how are you coping? Via Squarespace supposedly there are somewhere between 10 and 90 RSS subscribers. Every now I get a like at the bottom of a post; one time there was even a couple comments. I know you're out there – "Hi mom."

We've been hitting the park just about every day and heading deep into the woods. The mornings are thinner so it's easier to follow through with the social distancing protocol in such a densely populated city.

There's been some solid and very welcomed wins this week. On Wednesday I found out that I had a big stock footage sale that should help cover a good portion of May's rent. Turns out a random video shoot with Olivia Abiassi two summers ago is now being used in a Danish chewing gum ad.

Then there was the good news about our upcoming tax refund that couldn't come at a better time. Speaking of finances, there's some solid help out there considering all that's going on. I reached out to my credit card, bank, landlord, childcare provider, and others to get ahead of this hot financial mess. Most were helpful, and some more than others. Adobe Creative Cloud waived my subscription fee for the next 90 days.

We're still with our bank back in Oklahoma City. When I called my business banker he'd mentioned that they're not feeling the same pinch we are here in New York, but surely they'll start feeling it more soon enough. He made a great point about it being harder to borrow money when you actually need it, so it's best to start those conversations early. I've still got a Small Business Loan on my camera package as well as a Business Line of Credit. With interest rates being so low at the moment, it may be a good time to check into refinancing loans to get that better rate and save on interest payments.

Where'd the Bottom Go?

Well, shit... The bottom basically fell out of the world this past week and there's no way this isn't going to be about the coronavirus (and I apologize to my mother-in-law for cussing).

Saint Anne the Wife has the boys out somewhere in Prospect Park this morning where they can run and yell their heads off before they'll need to head back in for lunch and Flynn's nap. The park is only a couple blocks from our Park Slope apartment and we've been spending quite a bit of time out there deep in the trees and trails.

I meanwhile am back at the apartment after fighting through another grocery store run here in Brooklyn. Never in my life have I had to hunt down basic food staples like flour, olive oil, beans, and rice. I'd have never thought my new sourdough hobby would've actually been useful considering how hard it is to find bread around here. Thursday's Target run wasn't me out to hoard toilet paper and Clorox wipes like some of the heroes there, but I did just nearly loose my mind waiting in line in front of a family with young kids yelling, crawling on the floor, and rubbing their hands on everything they could touch while the mom just stood there mocking me after I asked her to stop bumping me with her stroller.

It dawned on me last night while we were getting the boys ready for bed that this'll more than likely be a time they'll look back on in the way my generation remembers something like 9/11. Anne and I haven't dealt with a situation like this before and we're trying as parents and simply as people to guide them through it. Oh, and then there's Anne and I trying to convince my parents back in Oklahoma City who are both in their 70's that they probably shouldn't be going to church this past weekend simply due the amount of people they'd be around.

Good grief it's a strange time to be around. There's an infographic over at the Visual Capitalist that was incredibly helpful in visualizing the history of pandemics.

As of last night the NYC Public Schools are closed along with restaurants and bars. Literally any gathering over 50 people is banned. Our church cancelled Sunday services so after we got the boys in bed Anne and I watched Life.Church's Craig Groeschel absolutely kill it with a sermon devoted to how the Church should respond to coronavirus.

We've got quite a few friends who've left New York for the foreseeable future while this whole thing blows over. Some have left for their second homes outside the city and others have gone back to their parents. I know Anne and I have talked about leaving but for now we're staying put; I can't see how us leaving is going to help the situation.

As a teacher Anne is in a unique position to make sure Elliot and Flynn are on track with their education. For me – and most of my buddies – it's scary AF to be a freelancer at the moment. Actual paid work has absolutely dried up for me short of a project that never seems to end, but thankfully I've still got invoices out and stock footage revenue that will continue to carry us for a bit, but not indefinitely. This coming Friday is my normal biweekly payday and I've already seen one of my March 16th corporate tax payments automatically withdrawn from my business account.

It's absolutely understandable if you're not handling this time well. I'm more nervous about the economic impact on our family vs. actually getting sick. We're probably ruining the "Happy Birthday" song for our kids considering we sing it twice while washing our hands that are now considerably dry and nearly bleeding. I've got a bottle of 91% rubbing alcohol on my desk and we're making our way through Clorox wipes on all our 'high-touch' surfaces around the apartment. No clue what your thing is to help you keep your calm, but I'm leaning hard into a few Bible passages (here, here, and here) as well as searching out informed sources to help us through whatever global thriller/horror movie we seem to be in at the moment – bonus points if they make me laugh.

Midwinter Break - Cape May, NJ

We'd learned from this time last year about NYC's mythical "Midwinter Recess." It seemed like we were the only ones not out of town - or at least it felt that way. This year we made it back out to Cape May, New Jersey, to spend a couple days out of the city.

Considering how many people end up leaving NYC for the break, the best price I could find on a rental car with enough room had us in a "Premium SUV." When I went to pick it up, I ended up asking if they had anything smaller for the sake of trying to park something that big and how much we'd be spending on gas. Surprisingly they had an Audi Q5 on hand. Anne and I both had Q5s before we moved to NY, so that car still brings back good memories. Turns out the "check engine" light was on – not a shock to any Audi owner – and they couldn't let me take it. Parked right next to it though was an available BMW 330i with less than 500 miles on it. For sure smaller than the SUV I'd rented, but knowing Little Man's car seat would fit and the trunk was big enough for our luggage, I couldn't turn that down.

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Cape May, NJ, is a couple hours drive from NYC. Pretty sure the whole area is a seasonal beach town, so thankfully we weren't fighting a crowd once we got there. We made it time to have dinner on the boardwalk and walk around a nearly empty beach just before sunset when Things One and Two started getting restless. Honestly had never thought about heading to the beach in the wintertime, but good grief I can't recommend it enough: it's normally pretty empty, doesn't cost anything, and it's the beach. Crazy thanks to Robin Metz and her family for hosting ours again at their place in Cape May.

We're for sure in the "family trip" stage of life vs. any kind of idea of "vacation." Our little one's internal clock still goes off each morning before 6a which has us all up not long after. After a couple coffees we made it out to another beach by the Cape May Lighthouse. Little Man's 6a wake up had him back to sleep by 10a, so Saint Anne the Wife stayed in the car with him while Elliot and I made it out to the beach. Freakin' kudos to my wife BTW for the idea of us wearing rain boots on the beach so we didn't track sand back with us. That being said, it didn't take long for Elliot and I to snag some pictures near the water before he got in deeper than his rain boots were tall. On our soggy hike back I ended up dropping my camera in the parking lot and smashing the UV filter on the front of my lens. Sad day, but the camera body and lens were fine and new lens flares from the cracked glass were fun.

Adult-ing

It's a Monday morning after a busy few weeks of travel/work and an even busier weekend with family stuff. It feels like the first time in a while I'm able to come up for air, even if it's a short time before diving into other deadlines. Speaking of, it's tax season so I'm also hustling to finish up on what my CPA needs to finish out 2019.

Surely this is normal, but I'm constantly thinking about what it means to be an adult. I could be wrong, but I'd assume Saint Anne the Wife and I are candidates. It's not like you hit a specified marker and "bam!" you're a full-grown adult. She and I are both racing towards 40 yrs old too and good Lord that's odd.

We're in that spot where we've got our professional responsibilities while also crazy busy doing family stuff. Our older boy had his first sleep over at a friend's house Friday night, two back-to-back birthday parties on Saturday, and then another event Sunday after church. Our two year old is still in drunk octopus mode so we're fighting to stay above water and not let him drag us into the abyss. How self-employed creatives in this time in life are able to juggle paid work, family responsibilities, and any kind of personal work baffles me.

My parents were both in their 30s when I showed up and absolutely remember being in the kitchen with my mom while she was making my dad's 40th birthday cake. I was in childcare and school obviously, but they also took me to work with them and I never thought anything about it. My mom was a teacher and it seems like I was always with her at school or professional conferences she taught during the summers. When I was younger, my dad worked for a group in Texas and we made quite a few family trips to Dallas for his work stuff. He was self-employed when I got older with several retail stores in the Oklahoma City metro. By the time I was in third grade I was running a cash register and making spending money by keeping vending machines in his stores full, mowing around the properties, and cleaning up the warehouses. When I was old enough to drive, I was reselling wooden pallets and making deliveries. Pretty sure that time was very much a part of who I am today.

My boys are still too young for manual labor, but you'd better believe they'll be hauling my camera gear around soon enough. With me being out and crazy busy the week before, Anne had some much needed alone time last Saturday while I was out with both boys picking up gear before the next job. It was basically us getting in and out of hired cars with me holding our two year old in one arm, a large Pelican case in the other, and making sure our older boy kept up. Anne's current school is far enough away to feel like it's on another planet so I doubt the boys will ever spend much time there. Back in Oklahoma she shuttled them to and from school/childcare every morning, but I'm running that show at the moment. It's a mad dash at times when I have a job come in and we have to make arrangements with other people to get our kids to and from where they need to be.

It's a weird season but absolutely part of the deal. I'm thankful for my parents for doing what they had to do and only now honestly be able to somewhat appreciate it. I'm still not sure I'm an adult, but I feel like I'm getting better at it.

One Year Later

Last year around this time a goal of mine was to write a weekly blog post. It's not like I had something to say, but more the idea of setting up false deadlines each week forcing myself into making stuff. It's been a full year now and thankfully I've stuck to the plan – for the most part.

2018 had me shooting some of my favorite images and pushing myself with personal work, but good grief it was f**king tough personally and professionally. Uprooting and moving to New York City is unquestionably the hardest thing I've ever done. No amount of planning and prep would've been enough but we followed through and did the thing. We're all in New York now and floored at the possibilities ahead. Still, I'm not sleeping well considering all the unknowns.

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A sickly and slightly overweight version of me has followed me around the last year or so whispering "Hey dummy, how are you going to pay for all this?" He's stinking up and stretching out my clothes while also shooting footage with my name on it that's just bad enough for people to not hire me again. On top of that I've somehow started following this waste of time – and his friends – on Instagram and can't look away. I'm constantly reminded that he's on much better projects than I am and people are lining up to work with this turd fest only to have him flake out for another project in some other exotic location. I'm not too upset with his success though – he's still sick and overweight plus his footage is out of focus and not framed well. Oh, and all his stuff looks like everyone else's.

By no means am I the day to this dumbass's night: I'm not the hero my dog thinks I am, I for sure need to be running more, and good grief I'm ready to be spending more time on ideas rather than trying to "move to New York City." I've mentioned it before, but I met with a director not long ago who asked me something along the lines of "What are your goals? What do you want to do?" I just remember the ocean of sheer panic I fell into while trying to even mumble something intelligent. Even my desk stapler would've known I was failing at being a person at that moment.

"Screw you stapler. What have you done with your life?" - Me

I'm a fan of routines and the false deadline of a weekly blog post has been good for me; it'll not see the chopping block anytime soon. I'm also a fan of Chuck Close's idea about inspiration being for amateurs.

"Inspiration is for amateurs — the rest of us just show up and get to work. And the belief that things will grow out of the activity itself and that you will — through work — bump into other possibilities and kick open other doors that you would never have dreamt of if you were just sitting around looking for a great ‘art idea.’ And the belief that process, in a sense, is liberating and that you don’t have to reinvent the wheel every day. Today, you know what you’ll do, you could be doing what you were doing yesterday, and tomorrow you are gonna do what you did today, and at least for a certain period of time you can just work. If you hang in there, you will get somewhere." - Chuck Close

See you next week...

Becoming an Old Freelancer: Mental & Emotional Health

Originally, the idea of sustainability and becoming an Older Freelancer dealt mostly – I thought – with finances. I'm on the back side of my thirties at this point and spending more and more time thinking about what this line of work looks like into my 40s, 50s, and past that.

Not sure what this looks like to you, but if you're planning to stick around as a freelancer – especially if you're married and/or have kids – you’ve got to be intentional about keeping your mental and emotional well-being in check. Obviously, freelance creatives aren't the only ones susceptible to depression and anxiety issues, but as a freelancer myself I've gone through it, I know that it's a thing, and learned ways to cope with it.

I do want to add that I'm happily married to my best friend and we've got two young boys. My mental and emotional health very much impacts our home life as well as our friends and family and the people I get to work with.

By no means am I a qualified medical and/or mental health professional, but there are plenty of people who are. Just know that help is out there. I went through a season of deep depression after college and came out in a better place thanks to a licensed professional counselor. I've also gone through a short season of taking prescription medication to help with depression. I've had quite a few conversations with other freelancers over the years and I know I'm not alone in dealing with anxiety and depression. Thank God I lucked out and got a wife who can read me and knows when I'm close to my mental and emotional limits.

There are seasons where I’m a hot mess emotionally and the winter and early spring are typically the toughest. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real thing. The aftermath of holiday bills is a thing too. Oh, and the typical client work and cashflow slowdown after the holidays isn't helpful either.

You've got to figure out your thing. For me, my mental and emotional panacea during the winter and early spring is running. Those first few years in full-time freelancing were especially tough and I started running as a mental break while preparing for the LSAT exam. I figured law school would help me to become an adult and get a "real job," but the best things to come out of that season of studying were knowing I didn't need to be in law school and the importance of healthy mental breaks now and then.

Since I started running in the fall of 2011, I've run two full marathons and six half-marathons. The Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon is in late April, so the training schedule starting January 1 each year with the OKC Running Club is quite the antithesis of my seasonal depression. Running allows me to veg out and just focus on breathing and not falling down vs. being mentally overwhelmed by family, personal, and professional responsibilities. I know all those things will still be there when I finish my run, but that break is a godsend.

Some less physically demanding coping mechanisms are spending time with friends outside my family and work circles, my Moleskine notebook, and foam earplugs. As a parent with young kids, I don't get as much time outside work and family, so those times are gold. Journalling has always been an outlet for me to mentally work through the good and the bad of whatever is going on. The earplugs are there when I need some quiet and help focusing.

Another means of keeping myself in check knowing when to shut off social media. Theodore Roosevelt's "comparison is the thief of joy" is a much more eloquent way of saying "comparison is a bitch." I typically distance myself from people who are self-promoters and opportunists, so I tend to not follow accounts that are the same. The other day I saw a couple Instagram Story posts dealing with anxiety from Oren Soffer that I thought were helpful.

"...[don't] let yourself get overwhelmed with how big the pond is[.] You just have to focus on your own work and making your own little corner of the pond as prosperous and enjoyable as possible, and avoid as much as you can getting bogged down with comparing yourself to any of the other fish."

"...someone once said that a cinematography career is a marathon, not a sprint. ...when you run a marathon, unlike a sprint or another foot race, you're not actually competing against the other runners; you're only competing against your own best time. ...remind yourself to stay in your lane and focus on your own career, and not keep looking at other people's marathons..."